So I just got done writing a 5 page letter to my family trying to explain how I am feeling. I do not know if I will ever have the courage to hand it to them or not. I said almost everything I have been needing to say. I wasn't angry or mad. I tried my best to be as loving and considerate of feelings as possible. I tried to look at both sides of the situation and show that. I know that it made me feel better just to get it out and on the screen. I am going to print it and let my husband read it in the morning and see what he says.
Today, well yesterday now with the time was actually an extremely hard day for me. It was an anniversary of sorts. Not a good one and we will leave it at that. I have been trying to decide for a while now if leaving home, my home town, not my family, is the right thing to do. I have lived here almost my whole life. I was born here and really lived here most of my life. I just feel like there is nothing left. I have been to other places and I have seen places I would never want to live and places I would love to live. Some of those places will have to wait until the children are grown and gone on their own but still places I would like to live. For now I am trying to decide if I leave where will I go? And if I go will my problems follow me? Will moving be enough to make me feel like I have a fresh start and I can really be at peace with my decision? I am afraid I will feel like I am running away? When will it feel like I have done enough to put all my old issues to bed for good? When will it ever be enough?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Its been over 12 years...
My husband and I have been married for over 12 years and it is amazing to both of us how many problems we are still having with both of our families. His parents has always had a hard time adjusting to and then accepting me. I do not actually blame them with the attitude I carried with me. My parents not caring for my husband in the begging wasn't really an issue. The problem has become more of an issue recently for some reason.
I had a very challenging childhood. The more I have been going back into my childhood and trying to work through everything I have been through in my life, (not through therapy) the more I am coming to realize how much my parents were not there for me. My husband rescued me I guess you could say. He has known for years what I am just now coming to realize. The one thing that I can say about my husband that I know isn't true about most men, is this. Even tho my husband realized how rotten my parents treated me, he didn't point it out. He didn't try to turn me against them. He allowed me to take my time and attempt to go on my own journey and discover the truth on my own in my own time.
My husband has always loved my family and treated them with respect and kindness. Now that I am finally working through all of my childhood trauma and coming to realize what I am, I can only imagine how hard this has had to be for him. See our most of our entire marriage I always thought his parents treated me really badly and my parents were saints. Now I am not saying his parents are saints now but I am seeing things more for what they are.
Anyway, so as I was saying now my parents are starting to not get the same attention and feelings from me that they have always received. I have not confronted my parents about anything. I am not in therapy and I do not go because I do not believe that someone telling you that all your problems as an adult are your parents fault. I believe the problems I had as a child are my parents fault. As an adult I have taken responsibility for myself and for my actions. I do not blame anyone for my place in life now.
The problem I am having with my parents is that when I look back at my parents I see how much they missed opportunities to protect me. To show me how much they loved me and to make me feel important to them. I love my parents very much still. As a parent myself now it is just much more difficult to look back and see how they made some of the choices that they made.
Tonight my parents stopped to bring me and my kids a treat that they know we like a certain store they went to tonight. It was a really nice gesture. The only problem is that my husband has a favorite too. He got nothing. They came in our house and handed me and my children our food treats and didn't even speak to my husband who was standing in the room with all of us.
My husband is such a good provider and works so hard. I am sure tonight he is wondering after 12+ years when is it ever going to be enough?
I had a very challenging childhood. The more I have been going back into my childhood and trying to work through everything I have been through in my life, (not through therapy) the more I am coming to realize how much my parents were not there for me. My husband rescued me I guess you could say. He has known for years what I am just now coming to realize. The one thing that I can say about my husband that I know isn't true about most men, is this. Even tho my husband realized how rotten my parents treated me, he didn't point it out. He didn't try to turn me against them. He allowed me to take my time and attempt to go on my own journey and discover the truth on my own in my own time.
My husband has always loved my family and treated them with respect and kindness. Now that I am finally working through all of my childhood trauma and coming to realize what I am, I can only imagine how hard this has had to be for him. See our most of our entire marriage I always thought his parents treated me really badly and my parents were saints. Now I am not saying his parents are saints now but I am seeing things more for what they are.
Anyway, so as I was saying now my parents are starting to not get the same attention and feelings from me that they have always received. I have not confronted my parents about anything. I am not in therapy and I do not go because I do not believe that someone telling you that all your problems as an adult are your parents fault. I believe the problems I had as a child are my parents fault. As an adult I have taken responsibility for myself and for my actions. I do not blame anyone for my place in life now.
The problem I am having with my parents is that when I look back at my parents I see how much they missed opportunities to protect me. To show me how much they loved me and to make me feel important to them. I love my parents very much still. As a parent myself now it is just much more difficult to look back and see how they made some of the choices that they made.
Tonight my parents stopped to bring me and my kids a treat that they know we like a certain store they went to tonight. It was a really nice gesture. The only problem is that my husband has a favorite too. He got nothing. They came in our house and handed me and my children our food treats and didn't even speak to my husband who was standing in the room with all of us.
My husband is such a good provider and works so hard. I am sure tonight he is wondering after 12+ years when is it ever going to be enough?
Monday, January 23, 2012
I try so hard but...
I have had many blogs in the past and they have all done very well. This time I am going at this completely different. I want to be anonymous. I have always given a pretty good background on myself and my family and everything that is going on in my life. This time I think I am going to just start right where I am. I don't want to mislead anyone but the information in my profile isn't even about me. A friend of mine help me set this up because I do want to remain anonymous and I think it is important to put this in my first posting.
Over the last couple of years I have had so many challenges. I have faced so many different obstacles in my life that I had choices to make that I could have easily chosen one of two routes. Either take the route of life has really handed me a bag of crap and I want to just roll in it and be miserable and make everyone around me that way to. Or the other option of I am going to try to make the best of my situation and keep a positive outlook on life. I try very hard to choose option 2. I am not perfect and there have been times when my first reaction was to get very upset and disappointed. When I realized that it wasn't getting me anywhere I picked myself up and changed my attitude and attempted the 2nd option. After a while it became a little easier to accept the fact that life is just going to come with a ton of crap and dealing with it like an adult is the best way to go.
Like I said earlier, my age in my profile is not accurate but I promise you I am definitely into adulthood by more than a few years. I am not a senior citizen that should know better about these things but I feel like I am trying to catch on and get the hang of doing things the right way before life is passing me by and I look back and say "Wow I wasted a lot of valuable time".
I have recently reconnected with a family member in my life that I have not always gotten along with too well and if I do say so myself it took some pride swallowing on my part to make the phone call to initiate what is happening. Since we started connecting tho other relationships around me have started to improve. Things were going really well and I felt like I had gotten myself on the right track. I had a really great unexpected phone call with Jane (we will call her Jane) just a few days ago. I sat down and sent her an email telling her how much I appreciated her kind words and that I was so glad our relationship was improving. I really put time and thought into this email and after I sent it I felt like I had told her things I had needed to tell her for years. Good things that my pride would never let me admit to her for years.
A few days later I received an email in return. It started off thanking me for the email but then continued to say things like I held grudges and that I needed to be more forgiving. I needed to work on this because it is things that I would want from others. This really puzzled me. I had not said one thing in the entire email that would possibly provoke a response like this. I let my spouse read the response and he was just as shocked as I was. I am always feeling like I AM ALWAYS FEELING LIKE I TRY SO HARD BUT IT IS NEVER ENOUGH....
If a person is one way and then changes for the better, and it is not a temporary change, like you see it for a long time in them, when do they deserve the credit for the change? When is it enough?
Over the last couple of years I have had so many challenges. I have faced so many different obstacles in my life that I had choices to make that I could have easily chosen one of two routes. Either take the route of life has really handed me a bag of crap and I want to just roll in it and be miserable and make everyone around me that way to. Or the other option of I am going to try to make the best of my situation and keep a positive outlook on life. I try very hard to choose option 2. I am not perfect and there have been times when my first reaction was to get very upset and disappointed. When I realized that it wasn't getting me anywhere I picked myself up and changed my attitude and attempted the 2nd option. After a while it became a little easier to accept the fact that life is just going to come with a ton of crap and dealing with it like an adult is the best way to go.
Like I said earlier, my age in my profile is not accurate but I promise you I am definitely into adulthood by more than a few years. I am not a senior citizen that should know better about these things but I feel like I am trying to catch on and get the hang of doing things the right way before life is passing me by and I look back and say "Wow I wasted a lot of valuable time".
I have recently reconnected with a family member in my life that I have not always gotten along with too well and if I do say so myself it took some pride swallowing on my part to make the phone call to initiate what is happening. Since we started connecting tho other relationships around me have started to improve. Things were going really well and I felt like I had gotten myself on the right track. I had a really great unexpected phone call with Jane (we will call her Jane) just a few days ago. I sat down and sent her an email telling her how much I appreciated her kind words and that I was so glad our relationship was improving. I really put time and thought into this email and after I sent it I felt like I had told her things I had needed to tell her for years. Good things that my pride would never let me admit to her for years.
A few days later I received an email in return. It started off thanking me for the email but then continued to say things like I held grudges and that I needed to be more forgiving. I needed to work on this because it is things that I would want from others. This really puzzled me. I had not said one thing in the entire email that would possibly provoke a response like this. I let my spouse read the response and he was just as shocked as I was. I am always feeling like I AM ALWAYS FEELING LIKE I TRY SO HARD BUT IT IS NEVER ENOUGH....
If a person is one way and then changes for the better, and it is not a temporary change, like you see it for a long time in them, when do they deserve the credit for the change? When is it enough?
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